Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Cheese curds for everyone

Our division rival has been sent home to the northern part of Wisconsin to think about what they did. What did they do? THEY LOST! Suck it, losers! I mean, oh, how unsportsmanlike of me. It was a good game (it was). But the Bears, shock of shocks, have become a real team with real players and real bitches (fine, wide receivers and whatever else catches a ball). Greg Olsen grabbed it on the run. Devin Hester took flight and when he landed, he was the royal Bear.

The ESPN announcers (the game was locally broadcast on WCIU, Channel 26 for those, like me, who are cable deficient) talked about Aaron Rodgers like he was something tasty they came upon at a breakfast buffet. Yeah, Rodgers is good but, yo, jerks, Jay Cutler WON. I wonder what goes through the heads of sports commentators. When they get home, do they shut up? When they sit at a table with friends or family, do they listen? Is it all just spouting and pontificating and opining? What do they do when they realize they are just a bunch of gasbags? Nothing, because they are too busy being full of themselves for having lives beyond the gridiron or beyond local TV. Are they even a little introspective?

Of course, there were other things to attend to during the game. Like watching all of "How I Met Your Mother," the second half of "House," and "The Event." The latter has so many things that remind one (fine, me) of dearly departed "LOST," that one (yeah, yeah) realizes that giving it a skip is a very good idea. Or working on a romance novel instead. At the expense of watching my beloved Bears, I put my face to the Temple of TV and regarded other offerings. I could have been watching the game. I was seduced by other flickering images. I should have been watching the game.

Cheese curd haiku
Precious golden balls
purchased at a cheese castle,
so fresh that they squeak.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Can it be TRUE?

The Bears and Jay Cutler won big over the Dallas Cowboys in the Dallas Palace of Fine Football in Arlington, Texas, in the Cowboys home opener. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I may have been wrong in my condemnation of spending all that money for Cutler because the man was on top of it. It was offense and defense playing the game, and not just the defense trying to make the best of it. They beat the Cowboys on their home turf and I am delighted. Today, all the coaches are great. All the players are terrific. And I ate some very tasty Chinese food, leftover from last night's takeaway.

Haiku of pity
Safety Major Wright!
He breaks an index finger,
then pulls a hammy.

As I watched the game, two things were immediately apparent. Number one is that I truly don't know jackshit about football. Really, were I a cartoon character watching the game, there would be a whole lot of question-mark thought balloon floating above my head the whole time with the occasional exclamation point when I realized I understood something. Number two: Dallas Palace of Fine Football knocks me out. If I went anywhere in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, I would pay to take a tour of the place because the Dallas Palace of Fine Football is off the freaking hook.

Will I stop writing about sports and football in particular? Oh, hell. no. I still have opinions and I am going to share and, perhaps, my readership will grow beyond one well-drawn but supportive follower.


America's Got Talent, the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, is over and singer Michael Grimm gave a terrific performance to win. Prince Poppycock and Fighting Gravity will both end up with Las Vegas shows -- and they should because they are both unusual and talented acts. Michael Grimm, fingers crossed, will get a nice fat recording contract. Ten-year-old opera singer Jackie Evancho, if she takes the advice of her own idol, Sarah Brightman, will enjoy being a kid and not throw her voice away too early. (I paraphrase but it was good advice.) (Girlfriend hasn't had braces or been in love or entered junior high, even. She should continue to study voice and other things and she will have a great singing career ahead of her.)

A haiku of farewell
Many bad/good acts!
America's Got Talent:
See you next summer.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Luck for the Bears, stars in the park, and AGT - more haiku

For the Chicago Bears, it was a squeaker and a win, thanks to the bad fortune of Detroit Lions first string quarterback, Matthew Stafford, who was sacked by Julius Peppers, and Lions bitch (okay, wide receiver) Calvin Johnson. If Detroit hadn't lost their QB to a major shoulder injury at the end of the first half, and/or if Calvin Johnson of the Lions had completed the process of a touchdown play at the end of the fourth quarter, the Bears could very well have lost their season opener. There was also that shameful play at the one-yard line where the Bears still didn't get it across the line for a touchdown and they didn't turn to Robbie Gould to just give it a good kick either. THE ONE YARD LINE! THIRTY-SIX INCHES! The Lions defense is very good or the Bears offense is very stanky.

Someone needs to please remind me why Jay Cutler is allegedly worth so much money. I still don't understand. Still, as I watched the game, I realized I probably don't have what it takes to watch any sort of sporting match because it devastates me if they lose. As they say, a win is a win but my nerves like big fat rousing defeats of our opponents. The Tennessee Titans beat Oakland 38-13. That's the kind of bloodbath I like.

This week's haiku:

Poor Calvin Johnson!
Not completing the process
lets Chicago win.

Even Jay Cutler
mentioned Calvin's bad luck but
"A win is a win."

Quinn Kelsey, 2007

Every year, usually the Saturday after Labor Day, the Lyric Opera of Chicago offers a free night of opera in the park called "Stars of the Lyric Opera in Millennium Park," featuring major opera stars and advanced students from the Ryan Opera Center. Long story short, it is a wonderful evening. This year's final selection of the evening was "O soave fanciulla" from La Boheme. Ana Maria Martinez and Leopardo Capaldo sang a thrilling duet. I've thought about it so many times over the past two days and I invite you to step out of your comfort zone and go to the opera next year - in the park and free. It might turn out to be your new favorite thing and trying it out won't cost you anything but a couple of hours of your time (get there early if you want a good seat).

Wonderful free songs
carry out onto the crowd
that sends back applause.


America's Got Talent winds up on Wednesday night. For a red hot change, I could stand it if any of the acts win. I suspect America will pick Jackie Evancho, the 10-year-old operatic soprano from Pennsylvania. The other three acts, Fighting Gravity, Prince Poppycock, and, to a lesser degree, Michael Grimm would more easily be turned in a Las Vegas act but ubertalented Jackie -- adorable, sweet, polite, and amazingly poised -- might walk away with the million bucks. I'd rather plunk down loot to see an over-the-top show from the likes of Prince Poppycock or Fighting Gravity. Season two's winner, ventriloquist Terry Fator, got a multi-million-dollar deal on the Vegas Strip. Why? Not a singer and his act can be modified and changed up. Wanna see a singer in Vegas? Plenty to choose from now. Think of the biggest shows in Vegas with a singer that wasn't ridiculously famous when they got to Vegas. Isn't one, is there? Since magician Michael Grasso got tossed, I would cough it up to see what Prince Poppycock or Fighting Gravity do. Hmm, apparently I think more strongly about this than I did at the beginning of this paragraph.

Heaven help me, please!
This guilty pleasure compels
me to see who wins.

And neither of these things -- not AGT, not Stars of the Lyric Opera in Millennium Park -- makes me want to snatch myself bald like the Bears do. I'm just sayin'.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

WTF and I mean it

A Haiku of WTF?

Team for season set!
The tiny brains cut the gold.
Bye, Dan LeFevour.


The Bears stank up another stadium, this time in Ohio. I forgot this last exhibition game was being played and, instead, watched an episode of "Community" and then went swimming. When I got home I still forgot it was on and looked at icanhascheezburger.com and knocked off at about 10:15. The next morning I saw the highlights on WGN and realized I am to comprehensive football blogging what a former governor of Alaska was to commitment to her electorate. So I did what came next (in my mind) to get information, i.e. I exchanged IMs with Lady Football. She advised that she too went to bed early but that Lord Football, who loves, loves, loves the Bears had watched the whole game. When he got into bed, she asked if they won and Lord Football, he who loves loves loves the Bears, said, "Of course not."

"Of course not."

WTF are the coaches and front officers thinking? Jay Cutler is clearly a waste of those millions. Dan LeFevour showed he has the football stuff during the pre-season Cardinals game and so, of course, they released him. The Bengals have snapped him up and, mark the words of someone who cares but mostly blows hot air, he will have a very exciting and winning career and the Bears will be kicking themselves and each other all around the Colonnade at Solider Field whenever they think about it. Kyle Orton, whom those knuckleheads traded for J. Cutler, is having a fine, winning time of it in Denver. Now they've unloaded the rookie QB who could possibly lead them from the crapper -- really, check out his college stats -- so they can fully concentrate on Losey Loserson and Offensive Offenders. I would love to have a tape of the conversation that determined who was getting cut. "Dan LeFevour has a good future -- cut him loose!" Are there marbles, bells, whistles, and pictures of Angela Merkel where their brains once were? Why do the pictures have to be of Angela Merkel?

I have used the "Gods on Olympus" metaphor way too much but I am glad I have. These Bears are the gods from Mt. Olympus. They have kidnapped the real Bears and have placed themselves on the team, longing all these years to play them some pro ball. Naturally they suck at it; all they knows is being all powerful at their own specialty. This is as good an explanation as any and so I make an appeal to them -- please return to your mountain, let our own Bears go, and allow us to not let down people like Lord Football who loves, loves, loves him some Chicago Bears, and people like me, who don't know what they are talking about but deserve better. I won't worship you but I won't talk smack about you either.

Post script, Labor Day, 06 September 2010: I heard an interview with Rod Marinelli, Bears 2010 Defensive Coordinator, this evening. Live on the radio. I paraphrase that he said this was a great coaching team, the best he's ever worked with. Rod Marinelli is clearly deluded. Delusion aside, what is the guy supposed to say? "We know that we blow?" Still, too much enthusiasm for too marginal a product.