Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Bourbonnais Boogie Begins

Tight End on a stick off to Carolina

New dad and kickball champion Greg Olsen has been traded to the Carolina Panthers.  Upon arrival there, he was given a four-year contract extension.  This means newly unengaged QB Jay Cutler's fave bitch (yeah, tight end/wide receiver, whatever, I am going to beat this line until it's no longer a line) was traded for a handful of beans, a baking-soda-powered submarine, and a sixth-round draft pick next year.  Greg was a pretty good Bears players, so I am puzzled by the trade.  There is some sort of purge going on at Bears Central or in Bourbonnais or somewhere in Bearsville and when the dust settles, I am hoping we have an offense that is recognizable as such.

Remember last year?  Jay Cutler, the Hesitatin' QB, who can't seem to let loose of the ball or find any of the guys who was supposed to catch it when he threw it, whose offensive line can't seem to cover him, getting sacked multiple times?  Getting a concussion and missing a game -- which is when we found out that Jay might not be primo but that second-in-line was dang stanky and the third-in-line was just young?  Remember that?  Me, too.  It appears in the battle of the Mikes -- Mike Tice and Mike Martz -- the notion of how to formulate a team is being won by Martz.  I am more of a Tice fan with balance being the goal but, again, what the hell do I know?

As of last night, Center Olin Kreutz, this year a free agent, was the single hold out of the 2010-11 Bears, with a reported difference of $500,000.  Yes, half a million smackers which most people will never see in their whole lives.  This is ciggies-and-pantyhose money in the world of the NFL and Bears management needs to just open that stinky old piece of cracked leather they call a wallet and give Olin the loot.  Attention Bears Mangement:  The games are about to begin and the 49ers are nipping at your heels because they know a good man when they see him and could be ready to make an offer.  Kreutz has been very a supportive teammate and knows how to keep up morale or as much morale as a bunch of millionaires require in order to feel better about their sad lot doing just what they like doing and getting paid insane amounts to do it.

Who seems to be missing is Lovie Smith.  Where are you, Lovie?  I am sure he has better things to contentrate on before the exhibition games begin way sooner than anyone can believe.  I would not mind a simple "hello" in the news media as they dance and prance around in Bourbonnais, Lovie and the team out in the hot sun without air conditioned benches to keep them cool and concentrating.  They can fan themselves with cold hard cash.

I am very sensitive to the air conditioning issue because mine has been out for about ten days.  I have determined that I have been going through the Five Stages of Grief:  Denial ("no, not the a/c!  I will change cords.  It just needs a new cord and a different surge protector box!"), anger (I know you are familiar with anger), bargaining ("If you work I won't put you in the alley"), depression (never a good look for me and probably not for you, either), and acceptance (it being what it is, y'all).  It may get fixed or replaced today (my knight and his dad are due to come and smite it with their mighty screwdrivers and if that doesn't work, we are going to Sears), but I am mostly calm about it (acceptance -- see how that works?).

Several years ago, I bought myself a giant industrial fan which has proven to be quite smart as I am usually not very forward thinking.  When said fan is on low, I can't hear a thing but the fan's roar, and the breeze it creates is pretty stunning.  I am glad to have it.  You know what I really would be glad to have?  Air conditioning.  Houston, Los Angeles, Dallas, Atlanta, Las Vegas, Miami, Phoenix, Dubai, Hong Kong, Singapore -- all would be jerky little nowheres were it not for air conditioning.  Those super-high-rise buildings would not be possible were it not for central air.  What changed the face of the world?  A/C might not be totally responsible but it sure didn't hurt things.

I won a certificate for a free night in a hotel and, like last week, when I got into my room I turned the thermostat down so low that the hotel might have asked to hang their spare legs of lamb.  All cuts of meat were welcome.  BYO ice is all I asked.

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