Sunday, January 5, 2014

My very own reality TV show

Except for the little I've seen about it on TV shows or read in some news piece or other, I know nothing of "Duck Dynasty."  I don't have cable; I'm not getting cable; I will never have cable.  Here is what I think I know:  four guys make duck calls for a living; they are married to really very attractive women; it all seems quite the hoax as the wives don't seem the types to be attracted to the sorts of men they present themselves to be.

Yesterday, I had the good fortune of having a late breakfast with my friend, Mike.  We've known each other a long while; we were coworkers who clicked and we became friends outside of work.  He's moved on to another job in the same company but we're still good friends.

Mike explained to me about "Duck Dynasty" and the recent media kerfuffle about what one of the elder ducks said causing some controversy in the media.  Mike is of the opinion that it was all calculated and timed to happen at Christmas when people are buying things including "Duck Dynasty" tie-in merchandise and also right before the start of their new season.  It numbs the mind and his opinion makes good sense.

I have decided that some network or other should have a reality TV show based on Mike and me.  It would go something like this:

Announcer's voice:  It's 4:31 a.m. on the northwest side of Chicago, but Lena's alarm clock says 4:40 a.m. when it goes off.  She hits snooze and then hits snooze another five times before she gets out of bed.  She turns on the TV and stumbles to the bathroom, where she relieves herself and takes her thyroid medication and then sets the timer for 30 minutes.  She can eat when it rings.  She turns on the shower to get the water warm.  While the water heats up, she checks her emails.  This announcer wishes she might start wearing something other than just a t-shirt to bed. 

Meanwhile, on the far north side, Mike's asleep with his partner, Sean.  (Show a dark bedroom with two figures under the covers.)

Back on the northwest side, Lena has showered and washed her hair.  She is applying men's-strength Minoxidil to her scalp, followed by Moroccan Oil to her hair.  She uses a wide-toothed comb to style it.  She puts on eye cream and some face cream, then a pinky-yellow hued eye pencil which she says makes her eyes pop, followed by mascara.  She finishes by putting on her glasses.

On the far north side, the two sleeping figures continue sleeping.

Lena walks back into the bedroom of her northwest side apartment and gets dressed.  She laid out her clothes the night before and doesn't rethink her choice of black pants, a black shirt, and black shoes.  Yesterday she wore a similar outfit.

Lena:  And it will be the same thing tomorrow.

Announcer:  Meanwhile, the two sleeping figures continue sleeping in their bed on the far north side.  One seems to snore; the other is not disturbed by it.

After breakfast of instant low-sugar maple-and-brown-sugar oatmeal with 2% milk, banana slices, and walnuts, Lena dries her hair and gathers the lunch she made the night before and then leaves, double locking her front door.  She walks three blocks to the catch the same bus she catches every day, run F463 of the 56 bus. 

The two sleeping people don't have to wake up until 7 a.m.  Lena will be almost to work by then.  We are not able to go into her job with her as she's still not gotten us a building pass.

Lena:  It's a secure place.  I don't want to gum it up.  See you at lunchtime.

Announcer:  At luncthime, she decides to eat in the office lunchroom with the coworker she's taken to calling her work Boo.  We are left waiting in the building food court and are questioned by building security, the Chicago Police, Homeland Security, three homeless gentlemen, and suburban visitors to the city wanting to know what famous person we're there to tape.  Between us we decide this is the worst assignment we've ever had.

Over by the Chicago River, Mike is answering phones and taking reservations.  His office is cramped and sunless yet overlit with fluorescent bulbs.  We decide to ask about his friend's office.

Mike:  It's pretty nice over there.  Fast elevators.  The layout of that office is well thought out.  There's a northbound view that will never be obstructed.  It's just the skeeviest building you'll ever come across.

Announcer:  When we ask why, Mike's gaze gets distant and tears seems to form in his eyes.

Mike:  No reason.

Announcer:  Mike quickly picks up the phone and calls an airline.

Yes, it's probably as dull as you think but if they want to toss many dollars at Mike and me, we can jazz up our lives so they're as interesting as people seem to think "Duck Dynasty" is.  Mike's working on a beard that rivals anything those Ducks are offering and if I give up visiting a Benefit Brow Bar, I have will some reality TV eyebrows going in no time.  We're perfectly able to make people love or hate us but I suspect they'd love Mike and hate me (which is right because he's a very lovable person and I make a concerted effort to be me).  For the right amount of money, I'm down with that.

Interested producers:  Send me an email!

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