Sunday, July 19, 2015

Sports made better

Last week I saw two of my oldest and dearest friends.  We talked about many things and when the topic turned to sports, one of them said, "After you've gotten into hockey, does anything really compare?"  It's true.  For skill, speed, seemingly-impossible shots, and amazing accuracy, nothing beats hockey.

Football is a snooze in comparison.  It takes at least three dull hours to play a game of football, with or without commercial interruptions.  Snorting, pushing men who are snorting on and pushing other snorting, pushing men, one thin man with a very good kicking leg, and one guy who can hypothetically throw with great accuracy.  (I say hypothetically because a certain Bears QB has talent that is only hypothetical.)  "Wasn't that game exciting?"  No, it probably wasn't as it took so long for anything to happen.  This doesn't mean I now dislike it, so forget about that.

Basketball is a bunch of really tall men running back and forth on a wooden court.  They are all so tall that they practically reach up and put the ball into the middle of the net.  Want to pep up bastketball?  No one can be above 6 feet tall.  That'd make it way more exciting.

Baseball?  As my Work Boo says, "Oh my lord Jesus."  Baseball is so slow they can take a commercial break and nothing is missed at all.

NASCAR is still not a sport.  It's a bunch of guys in cars in way too much of a hurry.  I see that anytime I drive on a Chicago thoroughfare.  If NASCAR is a sport, then why isn't ballroom dancing a sport?  It involves more athleticism and skill.

Yes, yes, soccer is two 45-minute sets of nonstop action but this is America and you know we just don't appreciate that kind of strength and ability yet.  It's football if American football weren't what it's become which is big men throwing balls and stopping balls and knocking down other big men.  You're big men.  We get it.  (But I still don't dislike it.)

Hockey's all excitement and action and fast guys on slick surfaces and a tiny hard rubber disc that can literally put out your teeth or take out an eye.  It's athletic and aerobic and graceful and forceful and improbable and highly unlikely but, damn, the puck went in!  I cannot make it better.

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