The long con
It's back on, folks, that little thing the White House is calling the Singapore Summit on June 12. So anxious is the Donald Trump administration for this to happen, they've agreed to pick up the hotel bill for the North Korean delegation even though their choice of hotel is the Fullerton, a five-star hotel where none of the many ultra fussy clients I have has ever asked for, not ever in all the years I've been booking Singapore, but to each his own. What a nightmare to guard that joint! It's on a river! The cost of a suite can be upwards of $6,000 per night and you know the US isn't going to say, "room and taxes only" to them. There's gonna be room service. There's gonna be Pay-Per-View movies. They may leave it a little trashed and don't care that the USA will probably have to pay extra for cleaning because they probably all smoke like fiends.
This is not, however, the long con. This is something I heard on the television this morning and thought, "SMH," which, for those not with the same friends as me, means Smack My Head. All charges? Parking for their many cars, entire floors blocked for them, extra security hired by the hotel, cheese doodles at midnight -- your tax dollars at work.
The long con is this.
Kim Jung Un (KJU) has nuclear weapons and intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBMs).
KJU wants the Americans out of South Korea.
KJU wants to develop more nuclear weapons and ICBMs and builds something brand spanking new below the earth.
KJU's people are starving because he is throwing all his country's money into ICBMs, nuclear weapons, and having the 4th largest army in the world, after China, India, and the USA.
KJU sells bombs and missiles to other countries, often in the Persian Gulf.
KJU is always pissed off about something, wanting to show that he's as good or better than the USA.
KJU lobs off a missile that flies over Japan and lands in the sea. Japan is understandably scared, pissed, and upset.
Countries impose sanctions on the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (i.e. North Korea or DPRK), making it hard for them to trade with other nations, import medicine, allow family exchanges with the south.
KJU is pissed off and stews mightily.
One day, KJU wakes up and says, "Wait a second. I can be a charming guy. I can be funny and I can be clever. How about I make it snow in Donald Trump's head?"
Donald Trump is an American president who thinks it's acceptable to mock people. He calls the height-challenged KJU by the name of "Little Rocket Man." KJU calls Trump a "dotard," which means an old person, especially one who has become weak or senile. It's arcane but he made most people in American, me included, race to a dictionary to find out what it means; it rings true.
This goes back and forth a few times. Then they somehow agree that they will meet! In the near future! Maybe in Sweden! Soon!
KJU makes a visit to South Korea with his wife and has a tete-a-tete with the president. Everyone smiles.
Mike Pompeo visits KJU in Pyongyang.
Donald Trump has a shit hemorrhage and says the meeting is off.
KJU and the president of South Korea meet again, this time in the DMZ.
Mike Pompeo visits KJU in Pyongyang.
KJU's right hand man comes to Washington to entrumpify himself.
Donald Trump wipes his rump from the shit hemorrhage and says okay the meeting is on.
Donald Trump wants North Korea to completely de-nuclearize itself and in return the USA will lift all sanctions.
Here begins the theory.
The meeting in Singapore goes forward and things are agreed to. Singapore gets stuck with the massive catering tab at the Fullerton Hotel and we get to pay for every other damn thing.
There is another meeting with South Korea present. More things are agreed to.
Yet another meeting is held, this time at Camp David. Donald Trump doesn't attend, finding the accommodations too feral. He manages to whiz over to the Trump National Golf Course at Bedminster, NJ, and get in a solid round before taking a massive dump in his private restroom and then deigns to reappear at Camp David. Papers are signed; Trump needs none of them.
There is a big hoop-dee-doo meeting in the Rose Garden at the White House. KJU can't stop smiling and shaking hands.
There are inspections. Fissile materials seem destroyed. There are no more bombs and inspectors sent agree that there are no more bombs. It's as if they never existed.
Family visits resume back and forth over the border between the two Koreas. The two Koreas have mutual businesses in what was once the DMZ.
Time goes by and non-Korean travelers are allowed to visit the DPRK. International hotel chains are still not allowed to have properties but tourists advise the accommodations are less basic.
Time moves on, KJU and his wife have a couple more kids.
The USA leaves the Korean Peninsula as there is no reason to stay.
One day, KJU wakes up and says, "It is time." The nuclear bombs are where he put them at the beginning of the long con, along with the ICBMs. The USA is long gone from the Korean Peninsula and South Korea has defenses but not enough. The DPRK lobs bombs into the heart of Seoul and Busan and lets loose an ICBM toward the USA. It fails to make North American landfall but troops pore southward and over the border into South Korea.
Fiction? Fantasy? Conspiracy theory? It's KJU! That dude won't just give up his goods because the world wants him to. Don't trust him. Nothing good will come from it. And the last thing you want to hear me say is, "I told you so!"
This is not, however, the long con. This is something I heard on the television this morning and thought, "SMH," which, for those not with the same friends as me, means Smack My Head. All charges? Parking for their many cars, entire floors blocked for them, extra security hired by the hotel, cheese doodles at midnight -- your tax dollars at work.
The long con is this.
Kim Jung Un (KJU) has nuclear weapons and intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBMs).
KJU wants the Americans out of South Korea.
KJU wants to develop more nuclear weapons and ICBMs and builds something brand spanking new below the earth.
KJU's people are starving because he is throwing all his country's money into ICBMs, nuclear weapons, and having the 4th largest army in the world, after China, India, and the USA.
KJU sells bombs and missiles to other countries, often in the Persian Gulf.
KJU is always pissed off about something, wanting to show that he's as good or better than the USA.
KJU lobs off a missile that flies over Japan and lands in the sea. Japan is understandably scared, pissed, and upset.
Countries impose sanctions on the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (i.e. North Korea or DPRK), making it hard for them to trade with other nations, import medicine, allow family exchanges with the south.
KJU is pissed off and stews mightily.
One day, KJU wakes up and says, "Wait a second. I can be a charming guy. I can be funny and I can be clever. How about I make it snow in Donald Trump's head?"
Donald Trump is an American president who thinks it's acceptable to mock people. He calls the height-challenged KJU by the name of "Little Rocket Man." KJU calls Trump a "dotard," which means an old person, especially one who has become weak or senile. It's arcane but he made most people in American, me included, race to a dictionary to find out what it means; it rings true.
This goes back and forth a few times. Then they somehow agree that they will meet! In the near future! Maybe in Sweden! Soon!
KJU makes a visit to South Korea with his wife and has a tete-a-tete with the president. Everyone smiles.
Mike Pompeo visits KJU in Pyongyang.
Donald Trump has a shit hemorrhage and says the meeting is off.
KJU and the president of South Korea meet again, this time in the DMZ.
Mike Pompeo visits KJU in Pyongyang.
KJU's right hand man comes to Washington to entrumpify himself.
Donald Trump wipes his rump from the shit hemorrhage and says okay the meeting is on.
Donald Trump wants North Korea to completely de-nuclearize itself and in return the USA will lift all sanctions.
Here begins the theory.
The meeting in Singapore goes forward and things are agreed to. Singapore gets stuck with the massive catering tab at the Fullerton Hotel and we get to pay for every other damn thing.
There is another meeting with South Korea present. More things are agreed to.
Yet another meeting is held, this time at Camp David. Donald Trump doesn't attend, finding the accommodations too feral. He manages to whiz over to the Trump National Golf Course at Bedminster, NJ, and get in a solid round before taking a massive dump in his private restroom and then deigns to reappear at Camp David. Papers are signed; Trump needs none of them.
There is a big hoop-dee-doo meeting in the Rose Garden at the White House. KJU can't stop smiling and shaking hands.
There are inspections. Fissile materials seem destroyed. There are no more bombs and inspectors sent agree that there are no more bombs. It's as if they never existed.
Family visits resume back and forth over the border between the two Koreas. The two Koreas have mutual businesses in what was once the DMZ.
Time goes by and non-Korean travelers are allowed to visit the DPRK. International hotel chains are still not allowed to have properties but tourists advise the accommodations are less basic.
Time moves on, KJU and his wife have a couple more kids.
The USA leaves the Korean Peninsula as there is no reason to stay.
One day, KJU wakes up and says, "It is time." The nuclear bombs are where he put them at the beginning of the long con, along with the ICBMs. The USA is long gone from the Korean Peninsula and South Korea has defenses but not enough. The DPRK lobs bombs into the heart of Seoul and Busan and lets loose an ICBM toward the USA. It fails to make North American landfall but troops pore southward and over the border into South Korea.
Fiction? Fantasy? Conspiracy theory? It's KJU! That dude won't just give up his goods because the world wants him to. Don't trust him. Nothing good will come from it. And the last thing you want to hear me say is, "I told you so!"
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